Cyclothymia - Out of The Darkness and Into The Light
82Copyright 2011 Audrey Hunt (vocalcoach)
All rights reserved including the right to use or reproduce in any form or length. Contact the author at mzvocal@sbcglobal.net for permission to print or duplicate.
Will The Real Audrey Hunt Please Stand up?
I could do anthing. There was no mountain high enough and no ocean deep enough. Give me a challenge - give me a list of challenges because I am on an unstoppable high. Drugs? For heavens sake no! Who needs drugs when you are lucky enough to feel this way naturally?
And talk about your energy. I had enough energy to fill a hot air balloon. I could work 80 hours a week, keep the house sparkling clean, shop, run a web-site single-handedly, socialize and take on everyones' problems all by myself. What a woman!
But wait...something is terribly wrong. I suddenly lost my feelings of euphoria and superiority. Completely uncontrollable, I was losing myself.
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Stop the World - I Wanna Get Off!
I do not want to get out of bed. I think I have the flu. My body aches and I find that I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I must cancel my music students. Teaching is out of the question. I reach for the phone as I locate my list of students for the day. I make my calls and appreciate the sympathetic voices on the other line. I am wished a speedy recovery and get well soon. Some clients even offer to come by and fix me something to eat. I do not want to see anyone. I want to be left alone.
My voice mail will pick up all messages. I cannot bare to talk with anyone today. Accept for my children. If my children call, I will use my cheery voice to disguise how terrible I feel. They must not know. No one must know how hopeless my world looks right now.
No one must see what a terrible person I am. I am not worth much. I am not a success. In fact, I am a failure. And the person you viewed on the television talk show last week? Well, that wasn't me. It was all smoke and mirrors. Just a little girl pretending to be something she wasn't. Oh, sure, all the facts were correct, but someday everyone will know that she is only an imposter.
Someone suggest to me that I may be depressed. Ha! Now thats one for the books. I never get depressed. And what on earth would I have to be depressed about? I have it all. Looks, personality, a good income, friends, family, a beautiful car, clothes, amazing vocal and piano students. And let's not forget the wildly successful acting workshops I hold each week. Boy, do they ever love me. They think I'm just great. (My mind talking to me.)
I suddenly feel better. My crying has subsided and I feel like taking a shower. Maybe I will go for a walk. And I just bet I have a ton of email waiting for me. As long as I'm at the computer, I will start some new articles about singing. And I must remember to call my photographer for some new head shots. My website needs some tweaking too. I can't wait to get started. but first...I feel like shopping and Nordstrom is having a sale.
Has Anybody Seen This Woman?
Cyclothymia - It's No Walk In The Park
Moods fluctuate. You find yourself going from deression to hypomania and then back again. And even though, compared to bi-polar disorder, the sensations are mild, it's still like being on a roller coaster ride. The moods are totally unpredictable and can last for days to an entire week. You have absolutely no idea what is happening to you. The mood swings and irrational behavior all seem normal to you.
My mother, a highly intelligent and talented woman, may have had bi-polar. It is thought that cyclothymia is a genetic disorder although this has not been proven.
My Doctor tried to explain her diagnosis and why I suffered with mood swings. I went right in to denial. But I had sense enough to realize that I needed some help and began taking my presription for paxil.
I will forever be greatful for paxil and the freedom it has given me.
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What is Paxil?
For me, paxil is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's in a class of drugs referred to as SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). All that means is it acts on the serotonin levels in the brain. So my serotonin levels are unbalanced and the medication helps in the release of more serotonine. Its a little complicated but makes perfect sense to me. And the main thing is...it works.
I no longer hide the "shame" I have lived with for having this disturbance. I can thank a fellow hubber for that. She wrote a well-written poem about bi-polar disorder.
As with all medications side effects can occur. I understand that the worst thing you can do is to stop taking this drug abruptly. If you suspect you may have cyclothymia or bi-polar symptoms be sure to see your doctor.
The thing is, when you're going through these mood swings, you don't recognize that anything is wrong. And the last thing that enters your mind, is that you may need some help.
RNSMN - Thanks
My experience with cylothymia happened a very long time ago. Today I am completely healthy and symptom free. In fact as I was writting this hub, it seemed like a bad dream. On the positive side, having gone through this, I know what it's like and I can help others. And that's what it's all about.
It was while reading a very well-written poem by RNSMN, http://rnmsn.hubpages.com/hub/To-Be-Normal, that I became inspired to write my story and stuggle with Cylothymia. I haven't really thought about it for a very long time. I guess I kind of went in to a denial mode when I was diagnosed all those years ago. I felt a huge amount of shame and...well...this is the first time I have ever talked about it. To anyone. All I can say is - thank you for bringing me out of the darkness and into the light.
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Vocalcoach! I do echo kimh039, and I so admire and respect you for sharing this with us. As a psychology student I really find this interesting and each time i read about it i am so grateful for the chance to understand these experiences better, instead of just looking at them from a textbook perspective.
You are definitely loved just as much by all of us! =) This hub only deepens my respect for you.
Audrey, I have been ashamed and afraid for most of my life about being mentally ill and I just kept sluggin away at life.Then life slugged back ha. Even then it took 2 yrs to be truthful and get the medication I needed.
Still, until this very moment I did not see what my Lord wanted. But it is still to do what I have always wanted and needed to do...help someone else. you have made me feel better Audrey. Thank you so much!
Mental illness is such a terrible place for a person to be in. Many do not understand and think one can just "snap out of it" through activities, exercise and social interaction. I hope they find your Hub and receive a better understanding of this awful issue.
Have you ever heard of Dysthymia? I know someone with that and it has challenged her life for years.
Hi Vocalcoach,
Thank you for sharing your experiences with Cyclothymia and Paxil, I am fortunate that I do not experience mood swings or any kind of depressive behaviour as you have described however I think your experiences will help many people who have, or who are, going through something similar.
Cloverleaf.
I am convinced that you have helped many people by writing about this disease! It shouldn't be anything strange with mental illness these days but I guess it still is. So I admire your for writing this and you have explained cyclothymia very well. I am glad you have found a medicine that is helpful and I must say that you are spreading joy around you! Thanks for being you!
Tina
Awesome Audrey. I'm unfamiliar with the drugs you mentioned but have great respect for those that save lives and keep people happy. I'm sure you've touched many by sharing your story.
what a terrifically awesome hub and story. Thanks for supporting awareness for mental conditions! There are so many of us that fight with these conditions on a daily basis and people either don't know, don't care or don't want to know. Thanks, again!
Hi vocalcoach. I've never heard of this disease, although I know someone who has bipolar disease. He can't live alone, but if he would take his medication he may be able to. I'm glad you're taking something to help. Thanks for sharing.
I don't understand why there would be any stigma associated with any illness. Disease is any disruption that can occur in any part of the body due to our own biology. Whether a disorder occurs in the gut, heart, pancreas, liver, bowel, bone, blood or brain doesn't make us more or less than the human being sitting next to us. Eventually, because we are alive, we all suffer some kind of disorder, syndrome or disease. It is unfortunate that anyone would feel shame over vulnerability that is part of what we share in being human.
I am so glad you are feeling better, Audrey. Thank you for sharing food for thought that each of us needs to consider, as it is relevant to every human being.
Great Hub I'm sure you've helped a lot of your followers.
I thought I was going through depression. I was sitting alone when I started wondering why. Then I remember I felt like this on the 1st anniversary of my Brothers passing that was two weeks ago. Having realized that I'm feeling so much better today.
Thank you Audrey for sharing. I have a Sister who battles depression. I have a Dear friend with Bipolar, thank God for medication... Take care......
Lovely and so very useful because by telling your story, just like the comment above -- you also tell others who battle the same hurdles that they are not alone. Write that book - you have a definite flair - beautifully done!
Carol
Barbara and I have become rather close friends for never having met, and I am a great admirer, especially after my own experience of living with bipolar. She's a real trooper!
And so are you, my dear. Someday, I will get my courage up, and take you up on that voice-lesson-for-someone-who-cannot-sing.
I'm very impressed with this Hub. Up, and everything but funny.
Green Lotus - You are one of the lucky ones and I couldn't be happier. The more people I talk to, the more surprised I am that so many, many are on paxil. The shame that accompanies any mental disease is sad. I am fortunate to have had cyclothymia and so very happy to be cured. My hope is to help others in some way.
Thank you GL, an angel on my shoulder!
The important point is you are OK! We all have "challenges" Some of our challenges are not seen, or noticed. I appreciate your sharing your accomplishment of living while you cope. You have achieved while addreshing your challenges...
Great hub that seems to have already touched those who are reading it and will undoubtedly help many more. I'm also a hubber friend and great fan of RNMSN and was touched by your acknowledging that her writing about her experience encouraged you to write this hub.
Thanks for sharing it. Voted up across the board except for funny.
I'm so happy for your 100th hub, VC! What a wonderful writer you are, and your range of material is delightful. Given your difficult health issues in the past year, you deserve great credit for sticking with hubpages. We all benefit from your wise and funny ideas.
embee77 - You are the first to congratulate me on my 100th hub. I'm happy about reaching this goal and thank you for sharing that joy with me! It is precisely because of hubpages, the thearapy that comes from writing, and my many hub friends, including you, that I have overcome health issues and am completely healed and thriving!
Well let the Saddle be the second, I am so happy to read that you have reached this milestone of 100 Hubs, doesn't if just feel great? Congratulations, keep writing you are a brilliant scribe. Hugs
Hello Audrey, congratulations on 100 hubs! I will be the third!
I always look forward to and enjoy your hubs, you are an inspiration!
I am sure your experience of Cyclothymia and Paxil will help many, thank you for sharing this. voting up.
saddlerider - Oh, you sweet man! And yes, reaching the 100 hub is a milestone and I do feel great. Thanks for all your support and kind words. Hugs back.
Movie Master - I did it! And most of the credit goes to your enchanting cloverleaf as it was her hub that inspired me. Thanks so much for the congratulations. And as for the hub, I really do hope it helps someone else.
Thank you for your vote and always for your unfailing support.
I don't really get the idea of using paxil. By the way I enjoy staying to this hub. :)
Audrey I am so touched that you shared this, I have never heard of "Cyclothymia" but I did have bouts with depression and anxiety my entire life and have actually tried Paxil years ago but it didn't agree with me, eventually I slowly came back around but it was a really dark time in my life and I think that your sharing this will help a number of people in the same situation. You are such an awesome and caring person - I am wishing you everything you want and need in this life because you deserve what you give others: JOY! You are an absolute inspiration! Pushed all the buttons on this one!
Chatkath ~ You make me feel so good! This was not easy to write about and I know you understand. But if I can bring some kind of "food" to the table in terms of support and understanding for others, that is all I ask for. I share with you the pain of depression and wish that you, my dearest friend, could have been spared from these dark times.
Depression comes in an endless variety of sensations and denial. It can even be camaflouged as happiness, which makes it all the more confusing.
Today, my wonderful life is balanced, but not without work. And of course, I break down every so often when memories of the son I lost become to over-whelming.
Hubpages is a great blessing to me. Not only for the growth it has afforded me as a writer ( and I still have a long way to go ) but for bringing me friends like you, dear Kathy. Thank you for your wishes...I cherish them...along with you!
happyboomernurse - Great comments! And the credit for anyone I might help because of my hub, goes to RNSMN. It was while I was reading her hub on bi-polar that my own memories were stirred up. She inspired me to "let go" and gave me the courage I needed to do this piece.
Shame has no place in the hearts of those that are innocently victimized with either bi-polar disorder or the milder form of cyclothymia. Yet shame runs deep.
Thank you so much for being who you are!
RNMSN - You, my dear, sweet lady have given to me the most valuable of gifts - truth! I had buried my mental illness so deep within myself, it may have never exposed itself to me if not for you. Your hub brought to me recognition and recall.
You are a miracle for me. Through you, I now know that I am an ok person. Do you know how good that feels? I know, with all my heart - that God sent you to me as a messenger. Just think of it! He could have chosen anyone in this entire world to help me...and He chose you!
I am beyond greatful.
always exploring - I have learned that it has become quite common to find so many people living with either of these diseases. The more I talk about it, the more folks I find and then they know of others who share the same symptoms. In that respect, it's good to know that you are not alone with this. Thank you for always being there for me, Ruby dear lady. Hugs
cjv123 - Turning this illmess into a positive force is the best way to " get a handle " on it and avoid becoming its victim. Writing about cyclothymia and its effects is one way of doing that. While my mission is to help others...I, myself have been helped too. :)
Thank you, Carol, for your caring and kind comments.
..since the day I set foot inside this hubclub you have always inspired me with your positive outlook on life and you often choose the high road to make your world famous points of view and we, dear Audrey, are taking this journey in life with you - you have taught about many things, personally speaking , and you have taught me well, believe me I really do love up to you and thank you for these memories - as my sentiments are sincere for you indeed.
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Epi - Gee, its so nice to see you. A shot of the Epigramman always gives me a nice, warm fuzzy feeling, adding additional joy to my day. And what a blessed day it is with such supportive comments. Hope the weather is still beautiful in your neck of the woods. Such a beautiful place to be! Take care, my friend.
Your presence on the Hub has been positive, heartwarming and down right refreshing. So, you have set the bar very high as what is possible to achieve. You, in my opinion, have already conquered this issue within you. Medication is just helping with the management.
mckbirdbks - You could not have said anything to make me feel as good as I do right now. You have filled my eyes with tears - good tears. How very blessed I am to have friends like you on hubpages. I will go to bed now with a very happy heart. And my heart and I thank you - so much!
Charlotte - Your comments have a special place inside of me which I will refer to often. You are going to be such a success in your chosen field. How fortunate the person, who receives counseling from you! Hugs
Cloverleaf - You are just so blessed. I am not surprised that you have never experienced any type of mood swings, etc. I don't believe angels have this afflection!
Audrey-simply beautiful, this sharing of your experience. Courage and concern for others: to share your story so others may learn. I voted up!
Congratulations to YOU on achieving your first 100 hubs. Yahoo-let's celebrate together over a cup of tea. Hugs to you.
kimh039 - I am saving your comments. What you have left for me gives me such a "lift". You have confirmed to me that my decision to write this hub was indeed, the right thing to do. You have also helped me to replace " shame " with " honor " and until now, I was too paralyzed to do this on my own. I know that sooner or later my family will read this and it scares me. I guess my fear is - I will lose all credibility with them as a person and a mother. That's a chance I will have to face. Each one is so precious to me - but truth is truth and if I lose respect from them, so be it. I can only learn to love myself if I am honest.
Thank you Kim...with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart, I thank you!
Denise! Awesome to see you taking " the challenge " again! Left you a welcome message but it may have ended up in some elses' box :)
I'm gready to join you in that cup of tea. Just guess who I want to emulate here on HP? Yes, of course, YOU!
Ever thankful for your comments, my friend. Hugs back!
You are too kind. Not sure if I got the welcome before, but I did now. Thank you. That cup of tea would be splendid wouldn't it? Keep up the great writing.
OMW, this hub could have been written by me, every word of it, although I'm not sure if Cyclothymia could be the cause of my mood swings. There are so many causes. Let me go find the medicine my doctor had given me about a year ago to 'test'. I try to live without medicine... I believe in the power of positive thinking. But there do come times I need serotonin blockers.
Brb.....
No, my doctor gave me Lamitor, and I haven't tested it so I can say nothing about it.
Audrey, I'm bookmarking this hub, and voting it up and upper. This is what I love about HP - we learn so much from each other. Take care.
Martie -
Boy, did I tear up reading your comments. To learn that I am in good company...well...I feel so included (if that makes any sense ). Lamitor...hold on while I do a search on that.
Confirmed! It is used to reduce mania/depression (mood swings). You simply need more seritonin, my sweet. Gee, am I ever glad I wrote about cyclothymia. I never dreamed that revealing my past experience with this would help anyone else. Thanks Martie!!!
stayingalivemoma - Really do appreciate your very good comments. We all need to support those who suffer with mental health defeciencies. It can be frightening to be diagnosed with this type of illness. Knowledge is power and that is what I hope to bring to others. Thank you for your support. So pleased to meet you and I look forward to reading your hubs!
SuzieQ - I am so very blessed as that whole experience is in the past. I learned a great deal and I'm 100% cured. I really think the medication was a God send. Thanks, SuzieQ.
I have had many diagnosi of bi-polar, depression, etc. Now I have Borderline Personality disorder. I am glad you brought this up front for your readers to see! I understand what you are/have gone through on that roller coaster ride. Thank you much again for sharing this! Voted up!!!
audra - I'm so very glad to find that you read and commented on this hub. I've been tempted to remove it. I realize there is absolutely no shame associated with this disease, but for some reason I feel a degree of shame. Perhaps its more guilt because of the stupid choices I made so often. Thanks my friend. Let's ride that roller coaster together when and if we are in that position again!
Dear Amy ~ I can't thank you enough for your wonderful words of wisdom. I particularly liked " Disease is any disruption that can occur in any part of the body due to our own biology. Whether a disorder occurs in the gut, heart, pancreas, liver, bowel, bone, blood or brain doesn't make us more or less than the human being sitting next to us."
This just makes so much sense. I sincerely send you my thanks.
Hello Will - Sorry I'm late in replying to your comments. But I have to tell you how much better I feel about myself after reading this. You've given me your stamp of approval and that means everything to me! And thanks for voting up and across, Will!
Dallas 93444 ~ So nice to see you here and to read your uplifting comments. And you are right about each of us facing challenges. I think this builds character. I appreciate you so!
naturalsolutions ~ Paxil helps to release seratonin in the brain. Those who suffer with bi-polar disease, lack in seratonin. For me (and others that I know) it is a gift from God. Thankyou for reading and commenting.
A loved one in my household has Cyclothymia and I was looking for information to understand the person's limitations. I ran across your hub :). The meds this person is on does not fully manage the ups and downs, so there are times that I suddenly get caught with easily offending or hurting this person's feelings. I don't realize the person has suddenly gotten very sensitive. So, I'm looking for tips on what clues to notice, or something like that. I will keep looking :).
kimh039 Level 6 Commenter 8 months ago
Hi vocalcoach! I just read your comment on RNMSN's hub last night saying you were inspired by her courage to write about her experience, and that you were going to write a hub about your experience with cyclothymia. This morning I noticed a hub about cyclothymia and noticed it was one of yours. Naturally, I had to read it! What an outstanding and well written account of your experience with cyclothymia ... and with paxil. Mostly,though, thanks for being you and sharing about yourself.... and for whittling away the shame that is so often associated with mental health. Rated up, useful and awesome.