My Poem And My Way To Cope With Grief
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Why I wrote this poem
Grief over the loss of a child, regardless of the age of that child, can take on different forms. There are various ways to express one's grief. For me, writing is my life-line. Writing provides a creative and therapeutic way to express my deep emotional feelings, bringing them to the surface.
Writing is a great vehicle for expression. It's a positive way for those who grieve, to lift the spirit and find hope in the midst of tragedy. Grief is a normal reaction to loss and is very real. Those of us that grieve are simply responding to an abnormal event.
In writing about my son Todd, I am able to keep him closer to me. I like talking about him. I don't feel the need to speak about him every day. In fact weeks can go by and sometimes even a month or more before certain memories begin to tug at my heart. It is when the pain of missing him becomes almost unbearable that I begin jotting down my thoughts.
And this, is one of those times.
To Todd...
I cannot feel the truth of love
When you’re not here with me
I cannot hear the music
That shrouds a symphony
The stars no longer twinkle
In dark black skies above
The emptiness inside me
Is cold and void of love
I should have been there with you
When you took your final breath
To comfort and to hold you
As you walked the path of death
For it was me that gave you
Your very life that day
I had no way of knowing
You’d one day slip away
You were so strong and active
The picture of perfect health
You loved to ski and hike and surf
Your children were your wealth
The courage of a lion
The gentleness of a lamb
You loved The Lord and kept his word
And prayed to the great “I Am “
Your name, soft whispers in my ear
Connecting to my heart
The vision of your angel face
Stings gently like a dart
Thoughts of you play hide-and-seek
Echoes in my mind
Fog lifts quietly, there you are
Another place and time
I’d ask you to come back again
Your children need you so
Each one is so much like you
They have their fathers’ glow
I miss them too, so far away
My heart cries that much more
They use to come a running
Right through my old front door
Rest well my son and thank you
You could have chose another
But it was me, and I'm so blessed
You chose me for your mother
Helping those who grieve
I don't wish to offend anyone, only to enlighten. And often, the words of comfort that are offered to a person who has just lost someone dear to them, are of little help. In fact, phrases such as " I know how you feel " may only increase any anger that is already brewing because of the loss itself. The truth is - no one...absolutely no one knows how that person feels.
And here is one other famous phrase for condolence that needs to stop. " Just give it some time. In time you will feel better." This is not necessarily true. And anyone who has suffered the loss of a child knows that this is unfortunately not so. Whoever penned the famous quote, " Time heals all wounds " obviously never lost a child.
" It's probably for the best " is often said when someone dies after stuggling with cancer. Well, I'm here to tell you...it's never for the best for the mother who is left with a huge hole in her heart. It's never the best for the child or children who grow up without their father. And it's never best for the siblings who are left with just memories. And when a spouse is involved, it certainly isn't best for them.
The best way to help those that grieve is to feel compassion, allow them to vent or cry or scream. Listen! I can't say it enough. Just listen. Then reflect and acknowledge their feelings. They have a right to them. They are in shock. Some go into denial. And others reveal no emotion at all. It's devestating. It's surreal. It is unbelievable. Just a nightmare.
So what do we say to a person who is grief-stricken? Sometimes, " I'm praying for you or I'm so sorry " is all that is needed. And sometimes the best thing to do is not say anything...let your arms do the talking and give them a nice sincere hug.
Please share your experiences or suggestions on what to say to someone who is grieving.
Thank you ~
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Oh what a lovely poem you have written. Your love and sorrow both break my heart and cause me to weep for you. Indeed this stands strong as the Biblical woman Rizpah did when grieving the deaths of her sons.You really are kind (as HBM said) to inform people what not to say. I remember a woman once told me (referring to my grandson) that I have the best of my daughter left. I was too stunned to slap her like I later wanted to. Thank you for sharing your love and for helping us all with your compassion.
Hi, this was such a lovely poem, and as you say, words cannot express how you feel at that time, the best saying I think is, if you want anything just call, anytime. it doesn't say they understand you, but it proves that they are there for you, take care
Hyphenbird - I'm so glad to see you here. I always look for your comments when I post a new hub :) And if I were there when that woman told you that " you have the best of your daughter left " I would have reached out and slapped her myself!
Your kindness and compassion knows no bounds. Hubpages is indeed blessed to have you here, both for your outstanding hubs and for the support you go out of your way to lend to others.
How can we help, but love you? A so greatful vocalcoach.
I can’t even imagine a bigger tragedy than loosing a child and my heart goes out to you, dear friend. With all the pain I am going through right now, my greatest concern is for my mother-in-law who lost her only child and she is the only person I find some comfort in talking to.
And you are so right; well-meaning people are saying such banalities (“he is in a better place”, or “life goes on”) just to name a few, adding (without knowing) more pain and anger to the grieving person – a hug will be more than enough. I do believe those people are at a loss for words and feel a little embarrassed to show too much emotion, even if it is sincere and heartfelt.
Please accept my hand of friendship and my hug as I can only imagine what you have been through.
Dearest Vocalcoach, this is a big warm hug just for you, I can't begin to understand how it must feel, and I am really at a loss of words too. May God send you little reminders of His love, as He is the great Comforter. You are such a strong and special person, with such a beautiful heart. I hope when I grow up I'll be like you. Hugs and Blessings!
my dear - this is a beautiful poem and a wonderful tribute. my heart goes out to you.
Beautiful poem and a trbute to him. You made him sound wonderful, I so sorry his children isn't close to you.
Thinking of you and sending much love. Hugs.
Dearest Audrey, I know some people feel awkward and try to say the right things, they would be better to say nothing.
Something that was said to me so many times was "you are coping so well" like Hyphenbird I wanted to respond by slapping them!
The best help I agree, for someone grieving is to 'listen'
A beautiful poem and tribute, I send you my best wishes and hugs as always x
happyboomernurse - It's such a helpless feeling when trying to bring comfort to a grieving person. We want so much to comfort them with words. Thank you, my faithful follower and friend for being here. Your name is...support!
Nell - You have added another good way to comfort a grieving person. Confirming that you are " there for them" by giving them permission to call upon you " is both helpful and comforting. Thank you, Nell, for sharing this with us.
Petra Viah - I am sorry to hear that you are having pain and will pray that it is soon gone. Pain can be debilitating. I am also sorry to hear that your mother-in-law lost her only child. She is blessed to have your love and support.
I am not only accepting your hand of friendship, I am reveling in it and the hug is something I always welcome.
Thank you dear friend!
There is no greater loss for a parent than to lose a child - at any age - and my heart breaks for every person like you and me who have suffered this indescribable loss. Your heartfelt, precious poem, Audrey, a beautiful tribute to your son, brought tears to my eyes.
When I hear folks using those inane phrases you mentioned to try to offer comfort, I realize they may be uncomfortable and embarrassed about offering support. The best way is to show you are listening, indicate you are there for them, and give them a REAL hug. Stay strong, my dear.
A beautiful tribute.... and so much wisdom in your words. Love and (((hugs))) to you!!
Charlotte, you sweet person - I am feeling your hug, even across the miles that separate us. Thank you for being such a strong support to me.
When you grow up, as you say, you will become a greater YOU. And all of the wonderful qualities you now have will only be magnified. What you see in me, is just a reflection of what you see in yourself. You have so many beautiful qualities and your heart is full of love and compassion. Thank you, dear Charlotte for sharing those qualities with me.
You are very wise and very loving. For me a simple hug does wonders. Up beautiful and awesome.
Thank you so much Audrey for commenting on my hub about my own loss.
Loosing my husband 7 months ago was devastating and the pain is still there, but it will never compare with the loss of a child; the terrible experience you went through is more than I can ever imagine. God must have given you a lot of strength and you are an exceptionally courageous lady whom I admire enormously.
Movie Master -
I really think, like you, that people mean well when trying to comfort someone. But, the person who is grieving just can't be comforted. Comfort comes in small stages and at different time periods. And still, there are times when the person is completely unconsolable.
Hugs are a simple but yet effective way to let the other person know that you care. Thank you, dear Movie Master.
You have given us another beautiful Hub filled with wisdom and poignancy. I admire your courage, talent and unflinching good cheer through thick and thin. I know it can hurt the hurt when people say the wrong thing in response to your loss, but they just don't have the right words at their command. In any case, thanks for this little treasure of a tribute to Todd. I'm so glad you have shared with us his photos, family and accomplishments. xxx
A beautiful memory.;)
Mentalist, my friend - Oh, thank you!
What a Beautiful and Soul Searching Hub as well as Poignant Poem...That only a Mother who has outlived her Son could write. My eyes are filled with Tears and your words are oh so true...Just Listen...Listening is so Important. Having been there for my Sister after her Daughter committed Suicide...she had the Illness called, Bi-Polar...and it destroyed her. My sister would just need to talk, and I was there to Listen. Vocalcoach,Thank you for sharing your Wonderful and Heartfelt advice.
My heart goes out to you. I have two sons, and I can't imagine the depth of your grief.
I just talked to a friend. Today is the anniversary of her son's death. She is all alone so I am going to go get her tomorrow and spend time with her. It brought to mind your lovely poem.
Absolutely beautiful. Heartbreakingly beautiful.
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
You've graced us all and blessed us richly by sharing your heart about something unspeakable and inexplicable. May you find some measure of comfort in the arms of the Lord.
annmackiemiller - Oh, thank you so very much. I appreciate your stopping by to read this. I know how precious your time is with the hub challenge. You have added to my joy.
writer 20 - I knew I would find you here :) Your support is steady and consistent. And it means the world to me.
Thank you - VC
sofs - I love the hugs. Feels so warm and safe. Thanks my friend.
Will - Your heart felt comments mean alot my friend. I am so very blessed to have found you here on hubpages!
vocalcoach, I understand your pain and grief and I weep.
Feeling with you and repeating in myself and for you: 'The struggle will make us stronger.."
Denise - Thank you, my friend for your thoughts and for your love. Hugs back!
breakfastpop - Your support is so appreciated. We do what we have to do. When we don't understand "why" our faith kicks in to high gear. Hugs.
vladimir - You are so kind. Your compassion is a beautiful thing. Thank you so much.
Beata - Thank you. And you are completely right. " The struggle does make us stronger."
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are in my thoughts. God's blessing...
Green Lotus - By writing this hub, I have learned ( as you have said ) that people want to sincerely offer condolences but just don't know how. I am greatful to have learned that lesson. Thank you, precious friend for your un-ending support. Hugs!
drbj - Your comments touched me so. We share the most difficult of all trials. My heart goes out to you too. I am learning that people do their best when offering sympathy. They are in an uncomfortable position. Thank you for liking my poem. I know it must have brought up so many feelings for you. I am sending you a hug too. Thank you, dear one.
You have written a Beautiful Hub and the Poem is wonderful!! I lost my daughter of 15yrs. in 1982 so I Know the despair and grief but, I also Know the wonderful memories and still 'feel' my daughter sooo close sometimes! People never mean to hurt or hover --- they just Love and want to help. Thank you for your insight and I send you Huggs!
mary - I want to thank you for your kind comments. I also want you to know how sorry I am that your daughter has passed on. I know she is with you and loves you so much. Very glad to see you Mary. I, too am sending you as many hugs as you can hold. Take care.
Audrey, thank you for sharing your most intimate grief, and your most joyous embrace - allowing others to understand the sorrow of your loss and the depth of your pain but also, to feel the warmth of your hugs and the kindness in your words. Most can empathize with the horror of losing a child but no one can know how it feels, unless they too have lost a child. You are amazing Audrey, strong and vulnerable, constantly striving to understand why, because life has so many surprises that are unfair. Sending you all that is right and good because that is what you are.
Vocalcoach, I noticed that you didn't acknowledge my Condolences to you that I wrote above...I hope you are not angry with me...Your friendship means a lot, and I hoped what I wrote wasn't taken wrong...It too came from my Heart to yours...LOL. I had cried when I read your Poem and Hub, and in my way was trying to make sense of our Losses...which sometimes... there is none.
b Malin - I am so behind in my acknowledges and I apologize for the delay. I am working hard to complete the hub challenge, 30 hubs in 30 days. But I want you to know that your first comment was so touching and lovely. I could feel your caring and sympathy. It meant everything to me.
When I read your second comment, I felt that I owe you an apology for the delay. I am so sorry. And I can see how by not commenting you could interpret that as anger on my part. Dear friend, that could never happen. I treasure your friendship too much.
We have both suffered losses and share the pain that comes with missing a loved one. Thank you for caring enough to send me a second comment. Hugs.
Im so sorry for yours and your grandchildrens sad and tragic loss , Your writing is therapuetic and will help you so much , i voted this up , awesome and beautiful and interesting , thanks for the lovely ,sad read , have a blessed day all day!
Such a lovely poem and one that brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss but I can only imagine that as you have shared this hub with many that you are comforting them too..Thank you for sharing a part of your life. My prayers and thoughts go with you.
Love,
Sunnie
Beautiful poem, awesome advice. Another thing NOT to say is that it was "God's will." Someone said that to me after my nephew died a couple of years ago. Not appropriate. I agree with you in that what people can do is just be there, listen, or just give a hug. Just saying, "I'm here" speaks volumes. Other things that meant a lot of me were cards and notes. It's hard to know what to say after somebody dies, but it seems that less is better. I plan to read more of your stuff. Maybe it will help me, too. If you think it would help, I've written a couple of poem/articles about moving on after death, as well. Sometimes it helps--for me, at least--to know how others feel who have lost loved ones. I'm sorry for your loss. Your hub is just beautiful - and very helpful.
I understand completely how writing heals. I had not written anything but a children's book until I came here raging and then it finally went to poetry and it was so amazing. This poem speaks of how I felt the day my mother died and I was not with her, the one she called for continually. I have lost everything but a child now and I hope that day never comes if it is worse than losing my mom, who had became my child. Writing is an amazing help, I would recommend it to anyone whether they have written before or not. Great hub. I want to give you comfort, and I know I can't.
It must be an awful heartbreak and only when you experience it you know it. The worst thing is that everybody feels for you but there is nothing to say or do which could take this hurt away.
What a beautiful hub straight from your warm heart. We never 'get over it' do we. We learn to adjust slowly but surely.
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful poem.
Lots of hugs to you Audrey.
Carry on publishing you beautiful hubs.
Take care
Eiddwen.
jami - You have left me a kind and empathetic comment and I do appreciate it so very much. I am looking forward to reading your hubs which I am about to do right now. Thank you and best wishes.
So Lovely!
DimitriLive - Very nice to see you here and thank you for the follow! Looking forward to getting acquainted with you and reading your hubs, which I will do very soon. :)
Eiddwen - Hello, my dear and sweet friend. I was hoping to hear from you as you are one of the few who really understand how I feel. I think of your "Erin" often and still love to imagine Erin and Todd going on about their mothers...and how they met on Hubpages. I am getting stronger each day and love Hubpages for keeping me so busy:) Hugs to you!
Pollyannaiana - Your sweet comments have given me comfort. I am so sorry to hear that your mother passed. It sounds like you were very close and that is a beautiful thing. As you mentioned - hubpages is a marvelous way to share your feelings. Our hub family is so caring and kind. There is no better support anywhere!
Sening you a big hug! Thank you.
A beautiful poem matched with very wise words on showing compassion for those grieving the loss of a loved one. I relate very well to the "emptiness inside", "cold and void of love", reading your words is inspiring however because you speak of your beautiful son with such deep love that will always be there between you, always.
Hyphenbird - Forgive me for the delay in getting back to you. Your friend is very blessed to have someone like you with such a big and good heart. The best thing you can do for her is to be with her. You are giving of your time as well as yourself. How marvelous you are, my dear hubpage friend. Thank you for sharing this with me. I will pray for her, as well.
Sunnie - After reading your beautiful comments, I can see that maybe my hub can help others. This had'nt really occurred to me. And I feel good about that. Thank you for your kind heart. I will always remember your comments. vc
This is a beautiful poem. I just lost my Mother to cancer earlier this year (she died 6 weeks after her diagnoses), and writing has become my therapy during my grief. I especially liked the part about a hug. Sometimes that is all that is needed.
Oh Shelia dear - You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your sweet mother. I wish I could just take you in my arms and hold you and comfort you. You are courageous and brave and writing is, as you say, therapeutic. Please contact me if you want to talk, vent, scream or cry. All emotions are allowed. Thank you for being here and I will think of you and understand as only we can who have lost someone so dear. Its like having your heart emptied and left with only a hole in it. Big, big, hugs to you Shelia.
You have lived my worst nightmare.. I just can't imagine. This is a touching tribute. It is an honor that you let us get to know him a bit. Bless you!
tammy- I still grieve for my son...he was my firstborn. I never thought this could happen to me. I still think that maybe this is a bad dream and I will wake up
and be so relieved. Thank you for your kindness.
Another kindred spirit. May you continue to find joy in the memories of your son that they may bind the pain.
Keeping writing, as it is so very healing.
Red.
Dear Red - You are so kind. Your comments have touched my heart. Writing is such good therapy in so many ways.
I am glad you are on Hubpages. Thank you.
What a wonderful tribute to a beautiful and loving son
vocalcoach...my tears will not stop flowing. There is so much I feel the need to share with you, dear woman. Yet, at this moment, my heart is so heavy, I can say only this....You have my deepest compassion and understanding, my hand to hold in friendship and the spirit of my thoughts & prayers... I give lovingly and freely.
Your words have touched the depths of my soul in ways that need not be described. I am honored and blessed to have met you. We are sisters in the sorrows we carry through this life. Peace & Love
Vocalcoach, reading your poem broke my heart. I am so sorry for your loss and truly, we say things to others when we ought to keep quiet. By so doing we show our inexperience and rashness, I have learned to listen quietly and console with my action rather than words because words do fail me. Thank you for sharing something that so deeply hurts and touches you. I wish you and your grandchildren God's peace and guidance as you take this journey. Your son, was a very kind looking and handsome man.
Happyboomernurse Level 8 Commenter 8 months ago
Thanks for teaching us in such a kind way, things to do and/or say and not do and/or say to a parent who is grieving the loss of a child, no matter how long ago that child may have died.
Your poem was deeply moving and the ending really choked me up.
I'm sending hugs across the miles. I hear the eternal loss of your fine son Todd, your ache for your grandchildren and the depth of your motherly love for Todd and I also thank you for helping so many others here on Hub Pages.